In 2019, Dolly Alderton published a column on something that I never knew I suffered from - that enduring feeling that you’ve done something wrong. She wrote:
“[t]hat feeling of harbouring a shameful secret that you can’t describe, but you know is about to be discovered. An enduring awareness that you’ve done something that deserves a scolding. A feeling of being on borrowed time; that you have cheated a system, committed a sin or are living outside the law and — at some point very soon — you will be found out and reprimanded.”
This was very much a ‘clouds parting, ray of light beaming down on me’ moment. Yes, I thought. Yes, this makes so much sense. I’ve felt like that my whole life!
When I’m out on a walk with my partner in the middle of nowhere and he suggests hopping over a fence to have a picnic by the river, this is what makes me say “I’m not sure, I don’t think we’re supposed to go there.”
When I call a family member and I can tell they’re in a bad mood, this is what makes me feel like it’s my fault and I’m somehow responsible for it, and I have to make it right.
When I see a missed called from an unknown number and I notice they’ve left a voicemail, this is what makes my stomach sink and my brain go wild with thoughts of “surely if they’ve left a voicemail it’s very important and I’m in a lot of trouble!”
And yet, while my initial reaction to reading the column was strong, I can’t say that it changed me. I didn’t start analysing every interaction or every reaction I had. I didn’t look for answers as to why I even felt that way in the first place. I didn’t look for ways to no longer feel like there was always someone about to tell me off waiting just around the corner. It was more of an acknowledgement, a reassurance. An acceptance. This is how I feel, and this is apparently how a lot of other women feel. Cool. I’m not alone and I’m not crazy — I guess I just have to live with it.
Recently, I was venting to a friend about things that have been causing friction in my business for a while; hurdles and patterns that keep coming up and that I can’t seem to be able to get past. One of those things relates to communication and how emailing tends to give me a ridiculous amount of anxiety. The best way I could describe it was this:
It feels like every enquiry/potential job is a test, and I constantly have to prove that I’ve studied enough. It’s like I must score a certain amount of points to pass, but I don’t really know what’s on the curriculum or what’s even being assessed, so I’m constantly winging it and hoping for the best.
And so, I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I’m afraid. I suspect this fear of being told off is somehow closely linked to imposter syndrome — but I think my procrastination also acts as an attempt to prove that my fears are somewhat grounded in truth. Perhaps if put something off long enough, someone will actually shout at me and prove me right.
Perhaps I’ll really end up in trouble this time.
If you’ve related to any of this, I’m sorry to say I don’t have any solution to offer. This is me trying to untangle the knots, to find a way of no longer being ruled by fear. (If you have any tips, I’d love to hear them!)
Things I’m currently trying include:
getting back into a regular journalling practice so I don’t carry so much inside of me;
spending 5 or 10 minutes visualising a safe, positive outcome before doing something I’ve put off for a while;
shaking it off - literally. Loosening up my muscle and shaking off all the tension I’m holding within my body.
I keep imagining how lighter and easier life would be, how fun and enjoyable work would feel, if I wasn’t so scared of getting it wrong all the time. If I didn’t feel like every job is a test that’s going to determine how well I can perform, or every interaction an opportunity to point out my faults.
If you ever feel like that too, here’s your reminder:
You are not in trouble.
You are not in trouble.
You are not in trouble.